Dr. Illana Berger

Separation Advice #7: Greater Awareness Leads to Greater Possibility

2011-05-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

"I am not asking about before the full moon.

Can you say something about after the full moon?

Then he himself replied. "Every day is a good day."

Cultivate creativity rather than criticism, blame and judgment.

Jason Jordan from MindfullyChange tells us that cynical or judgmental mindsets block creativity and limit possibilities for you and others, therefor making innovation difficult if not impossible to access.

Deepak Chopra teaches that if you “relinquish your attachment to the known and step into the unknown, you will step into the field of all possibilities.”

The spiritual principle of Possibility emanates from the place of self-love and understanding. When you commit to your emotional wholeness you are committing to being there for yourself each and every day and knowing that you can count on yourself to be true, honest and forthright.

From this place of knowing yourself and loving yourself, the whole world becomes the ground of potential – the ground of possibilities. The past is irrelevant, the future does not exist – there is only now and from this place of now, you can respond to the world from the highest and brightest expression of who you really are!

One of the primary ways to loosen the grip of embedded negative beliefs about your experiences is to exaggerate the underlying beliefs that guide your interactions or experiences with your ex-partner or spouse. These negative interpretations of their behaviors or speech continually drain your life force own inner joy.

To change your perceptions and projections you simply look into your past and create new interpretations of what has transpired that empower you to take full responsibility for your life. Then you begin to find the blessing that each moment has brought to you and continues to bring to you.

Many want to simply forget about the past or minimize its role in our lives. Friedrich Nietzsche tells us however, that “to wish away your past is to wish yourself out of existence.” Instead of wishing your difficult past away, you can reinterpret your beliefs about each event in your life so that you feel grateful for the experiences you have had.

The spiritual gate of “design beneath the chaos” you learned that everything happens for a reason – to help you grow. To begin to reinterpret your beliefs you begin by seeking the deeper ways in which you actually grew from the past experiences you have had.

To consciously choose your interpretations and meaning of your life supports you in having an extraordinary life. If you hold onto your negative views about your ex-partner or your lover or spouse, or the life you have shared, you will continue to see all of it through the narrow lens of your judgmental and critical eyes and beliefs. These limiting beliefs will not only keep you linked together in the most negative way, but will also continue to create more and more disappointment, pain and resentment, both in your continuing interactions and in your future. Holding onto your negative views actually rob your spouse, partner or ex of the opportunity to change in your presence. Your negative, critical interpretations limit and eliminate possibility for something new to happen. © 2011

Separation Advice #6 -- Compassion in Relationship

2011-04-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

Being the person you want others to see you as is at the heart of walking toward the very person you are becoming.

Jason Jordan from MindfullyChange tells us that the branched extension of the nerve cells in the brain use the outer world to give them their shape, and enables these brain cells to grow new connections based on what you do each day. This is how you become the compassionate person you aspired to be in your relationship.

No matter what the circumstances of your life, you are already and always the embodiment of joy, contentment safety and delight. The journey of your life is to make this discovery for yourself. The gift of a challenging relationship is that it exposes your vulnerability, making it impossible for you to go on living without awakening and discovering the reflection your partner or spouse is for you.

To explore your vulnerability more deeply I offer you a Koan I was once given to contemplate. It goes like this: “Taking the form of Kwan-Yin, give shelter to the homeless.”

Kwan-Yin is a Bodhisattva, or saint, in the Chinese Buddhist tradition. She is a symbol of compassion. Many of us, contemplating this Koan, might think it says you should act like Kwan-Yin to take care of the homeless person. Maybe you think you should provide money, shelter, food, or something. In other words, you should be compassionate; you should be willing to suffer for the sake of others. But this approach is actually likely to make you feel remorse or guilt, rather than the kind of sweet compassion that you and your partner or spouse have the opportunity to experience. I don’t think the Koan is suggesting you should be more of this, or less of that. That way of thinking just reinforces the experience of you as a separate, trapped, isolated self.

In contrast, the Koan invites you to consider things from a different point of view entirely. For instance, who really is homeless in this scenario? Maybe I have a house and you don’t, but if I am disconnected from my inner self, aren’t I wandering around without a center, without a home? If I am habitually stuck in the anger, resentment, or fear of a conditioned ego-mind, aren’t I homeless in a very real way? If I am afraid of the homeless person and the suffering I imagine they experience, then my mind is full of fear, not freedom. When I encounter their suffering, I am suffering the pain of trying to make sure I am separate from them, safe from that sad situation. I stand back, reluctantly give some money or food, while wanting to flee for my life. In the meantime the homeless person hasn’t moved; nothing has happened. Maybe I am the one who needs the compassion. Maybe the whole situation needs Kwan-Yin.

To “take the form of Kwan-Yin” could simply mean to bring clear awareness of reality; bringing simple presence into your actual relationship. To be able to be present, to open your heart to your own humanity. You may need to begin with forgiving yourself. This is a good thing. At the gate of compassion I am inviting you to go as far as needed into unresolved grief with the willingness to experience and release it all. There is no requirement to do this, only the possibility or opportunity. Philosopher Ken Wilbur wrote that a person who is beginning to sense the suffering inherent in life is, at the same time, beginning to awaken to deeper, truer realities. When you confront your own grief like this, you begin what Kathleen Dowling Singh calls the Path of Return: a complete reorganization of your identity and your ways of knowing and being. She calls it psycho-spiritual alchemy.

Let conditioned ego-mind die; become Kwan-Yin and provide shelter to the homeless. What you can count on is that compassion arises spontaneously in the very act, the very moment, of really allowing everything — including these tears or that fear, this regret or that deep love — to be as it is, untethered, in clear awareness. This is called being in touch with oneself. This is rediscovering your own friendship, your own self, for the first time. It's like a rite of passage, where you emerge simply being yourself. Becoming human involves turning toward your pain; finding your unique path that transforms pain into joy; suffering into freedom. You do it over and over again. That is being a full human. That’s being in the arms of compassion and being compassion itself. (Excerpt from Relationship: The Journey From Grievance to Gratitude by Dr Illana Berger - due Fall 2011)

Separation Advice #5: Awareness includes diversity and provides you with Choice.

2011-03-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

With awareness you give up what you think you know, you give up control and what you get is choice, which is freedom.

Jason Jordan from MindfullyChange tells us that if you change your daily routines you begin to create diversity in your life. He tells us that neural networker cells rewire daily our ruts and routines that kill incentives, limit focus or even shrink the brain from stress.
Integrating differences is an asset to the development of your brain capacity and growth.

Koan
Grand Master Ma was sick. The superintendent of the monastery asked him, “How are you feeling these days?”
The Grand Master said, “Sun-Face Buddha, Moon-Face Buddha.

During times of challenge and change you can allow your sense of self to gently expand. Pain or suffering in life or with your relationship can be seen and experienced as the medicine that is needed, for you and for your family. During such times, the most important thing you can do is to bring simple awareness, what I call presence, to your situation. Acceptance and humility (from earlier posts) are attitudes that help set up conditions for simple awareness. Becoming aware in the moment with responsibility empowers choice. But what does this mean?
A moment of awareness is freedom. Prison is when you're taken over by habitual, egoic responses. You are mindlessly doing life the way you've always done it. But as soon as awareness shifts from being trapped in your tragic narrative to witnessing the physical sensations, the feelings, the thoughts, or the panicky quality of the mind, then identity begins to rest in witness consciousness. It is this opening to diverse ways of seeing, feeling and experiencing the moment, something opens up. The mind is free of the constraints of conditioned ego-mind’s narrative. The witness perspective actually has no opinion, no judgments, no attachment to outcome; it just notices. It notices the story. Wow, look, there's a story, it is like this to be that. It just sees.
To give up control – which is essential for any transformation to take place – it is helpful to feel that it is safe to release. Rituals can help you get in touch with the aliveness of everything all around you, allowing it to support and carry you. In the retreats and vision quests offered by Living the Sacred, we always begin by staking out a safe, sacred space. Here we intend to part the veil of separation - I want you to sense your unity with, and feel the support of nature, of ancestors, of angels, of bodhisattvas, of pilgrims and adventurous spirits all around you. The conditioned ego-mind is frightened. Each time you come through a difficult passage, you have the chance to get crushed or to open your heart. This is where you need courage just to stay with it. You have to have a sense of being protected, held, or supported. It is at this juncture that choice opens up and anything is possible – this is real freedom. © 2011
(Excerpt from Relationship: The Journey From Grievance to Gratitude by Dr. Illana Berger – due out Fall 2011)

Vision Quest for Web

2011-03-24T15:03:00.000-07:00

Separation Advice #4: Acceptance is the End of Resistance and the Beginning of Presence

2011-03-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

Cultivate alternatives to your annoying ego centric habits or inconsistent practice.

Jason Jordan from MindfullyChange tells us that complaining is bad for your brain. Complaining creates new neural pathways that create an environment for more complaints to develop.

Acceptance does not imply resignation or giving up. It is not the same as giving in, or becoming resigned to a terrible fate. Quite the contrary! Acceptance is simply a natural state of mind that is not-fighting with what is, not-trying to prove right or wrong, not-trying to find someone to blame, not-showing how good/ bad/ damaged/ unfortunate/ or powerful you are. Acceptance occurs simply when you stop mentally fighting against what is, and come into some kind of balance with the situation. You can then begin to work with the situation constructively through investigation and curiosity.

Acceptance is an invitation to jump in to the river of life, to let it carry you toward your destiny. Whether your conditioned ego-mind likes it or not, life is happening – so rather than fight and resist it, consider how you can learn to accept the current’s power, go with it, and make something good of it.

You can use the image of stepping into river rapids and getting thrown out of the raft. The instructions are: put your feet up, head downstream, let the river take you and you won't drown. But if you fight it, you are going drown.

The ending of any relationship can be difficult, scary, even devastating. When a relationship begins to slide down the slope of dissolution, you may feel that life is dissolving beneath your feet; your grasp on the future feels less and less tangible or predictable. There is often a feeling of being taken down into a dark abyss. This can be terrifying; you might begin to pray blindly for someone to pull you out of this darkness. But consider this: What if this “going down” is a key gift and the core purpose of your relationship? What if the whole situation were an opportunity for you to descend, transform, and return? A question for you to consider would be, “Who have I been? Do I want to become more of the same?” If you’ve realized that the attitude of “my way or no way” creates misery, do you really want more of the same? Maybe it is time to jump in the river; accept what life is giving you, and begin to work with that. © 2011 Dr. Illana Berger

(Excerpt from Relationship: The Journey From Grievance to Gratitude)

Separation Advice #3: Humilty & Forgiveness

2011-03-08T16:08:00.000-08:00

Practice offering forgiveness, and let go of your resentments.

Jason Jordan from MindfullyChange tells us that anger, fear, resentment, and frustration are fueled by cortisol chemical hormones that are harmful to the body and accompany feelings of hostility.

To forgive your self, your partner, or your ex you must cultivate humility. Humility grows as you develop the habit of acceptance. Through continually letting everything be as it actually is, you start to empty your awareness of the stories, certainty, and limited knowledge that is produced by conditioned ego-mind. Negative emotions, which may have continually drained your vitality in the past, begin to loosen their grip. You notice them, accept their presence, and begin to witness them from a deeper, broader perspective. As awareness dissipates, you find clarity, spaciousness, and the presence of mind to deal with things afresh.

To enjoy such a moment of humility might require a great struggle. The ego-mind, whose job has always been to take care of you as best it can, will resist letting go; will resist the habit of acceptance. It wants to come to the party filled with plans, answers, and expectations. It wants to make life go its way, the only way it knows. But for you to experience the clear awareness, compassion, possibility, and gratitude that are your natural inheritance, ego will have to let go. This process of letting go is like a Vision Quest in the desert that strips you of your old identity, or a descent into the underworld. A descent is a rich and fecund opportunity. Like the descent of Gilgamesh or Persephone, the journey brings an encounter with darkness. Descending, like walking in the dark, makes all the senses become expanded and alert; you take in everything in ways you could never do in the fullness and busyness of life. Gilgamesh goes to the underworld to find the secret of eternal life, hoping to bring back his dearest friend from death. For a brief moment he holds the secret in his hands, but alas, he falls asleep and drops it.

Persephone is taken down into the unseen, unformed, chthonic world, by Hades. While earth mother Demeter grieves and searches the world over for Persephone, the earth turns brown and cold; vegetative growth stops. The gods arrange her return, but Persephone has eaten a pomegranate seed while underground. This ties her to the underground for half of every year, when seed goes underground into the cold, unproductive earth. All lies fallow until the water, sun, and air of spring nurtures new life from the dead. In other words, for half the year she is down in the dark, learning and growing. So it is with us: The seeds of rebirth and renewal are underground, deep within you. Only after the journey into darkness and the emptying of your above-ground life can the new seed grow. The earth undergoes such cycles every year. Many indigenous people follow this cycle in the rituals and dances of their traditions.

The natural tendency of conditioned ego-mind is to resist the darkness, but that’s where all the richness is. Everything grows because of what is happening beneath the soil, not what’s happening on top. Without what is underneath, there is no plant, fruit, or flower.© 2010 from the forth coming book Relationship: The Journey for Grievance to Gratitude by Dr. Illana Berger

Separation Advice by Dr. Illana Berger

2011-03-04T08:02:00.000-08:00

Separation Advice #2: Surrender and Accept What Is.

2011-02-28T21:41:00.000-08:00

Practice letting worries go and just be with what is present in this moment without judgment.

Jason Jordan from MindfullyChange tells us that stress literally shrinks the brain, and anxious tones in your communication can literally become silent brainpower killers.

Often what causes discontent with your life is your thinking. The ego mind seeks out what is wrong in life, people, circumstances and experiences. It measures, compares, categorizes, blames and judges. It is said that most of what you worry about never actually happens. In my experience this is very true.

There is a simple Koan that relates to acceptance in a profound way. It goes like this: “This stone, drenched in rain, points the way.” Your partner or spouse who is triggering you and making you feel crazy is just James-ing or Jane-ing in the world; they are just being who they are, ‘stones drenched in rain, pointing the way.’

When you are in the midst of a separation or a divorce you can practice being with your situation as it is. This is somewhat like being with a beautiful tree in the forest. You are just present, intimate and open to it. There may be pain, or joy, or fear, or delight within you; regardless, you are there with it (whatever it is) as it is.

Often, we meet a situation with a judging mind — “You shouldn't be growing here in the middle of the path, you should be over there.” “You should be taller or have more pine cones.” That's what we do to each other and ourselves until we stand in simple acceptance.

Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron teaches, “The everyday practice is simply to develop complete acceptance and openness to all situations, emotions, and people.” How simple and direct! Can you do it?

Acceptance marks the end of resistance and the beginning of presence. In acceptance, you begin with the willingness to surrender your resistance, and receive healing. Acceptance does not imply resignation or giving up. It is not the same as giving in, or becoming resigned to a crummy fate. Quite the contrary! Acceptance is simply a natural state of mind that is not fighting with what is, not trying to prove right or wrong, not trying to find someone to blame, not showing how good/ bad/ damaged/ unfortunate/ or powerful you are. Acceptance occurs simply when you stop mentally fighting against what is, and come into a kind of balance with your situation. You can then begin to work with the situation constructively through investigation and curiosity. The result? An expanded mind and stress free heart. Give it a try and discover this for yourself.

I’d love to hear from you. Let me know you are out there reading this. Make a simple comment or ask a question, tell a story of your own experience with acceptance or what you have discovered by being present to what is.

Separation Advice: Change is Part of Life by Dr, Illana Berger

2011-02-21T20:32:00.000-08:00

I came across a fabulous blog by a man named Jonathan Jordan from Ireland. He quotes brain science in his blogs. He actually looks at behaviors one can cultivate that change the neural pathways or the actual chemistry in your body with different activities. One such behavior is change itself.

When a relationship or marriage is coming to an end one often looks for separation advice. The number one advice I give to anyone who is separating or divorcing is this. Be kind! Be kind to yourself and be kind to your partner or spouse. This does not mean you can’t or shouldn’t be angry, resentful, sad, afraid or hurt. You can be all of that is that is what you actually are.

One of the spiritual principles that I teach is called the Design Beneath the Chaos. It refers to the underlying design and purpose of creation and life. This mystery is beyond our intellectual understanding; no dogma or theory can begin to explain it. These spiritual principles, like Jonathan’s blog, help you to connect with yourself, to heal, and to liberate.

Many spiritual traditions suggest that events in your life blossom from seeds planted in your personal garden. Buddhism, as well, teaches that every event is associated with cause and effect. Every thought, every action, every encounter you have plants seeds that grow in your personal garden of life. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions, develop into unconscious habits that influence or define your choices, perceptions, interpretations and vision.

Most of us are not conscious of what is growing in our garden at any given time. The Dali Lama often teaches that if you look at your outer world, you will know what seeds were planted. For example, as one my client’s put it, “Some people can really grow basil, but in my garden, I grow judgments.” He has a mental habit of being judgmental and defensive. So when his wife says, “Oh, why did you buy lemonade instead of orange juice?” He feels judged. In actuality, he has learned that his wife doesn’t really care what kind of juice they have, and is not judging him. But his garden has judgment seeds, and he sees it growing everywhere.

Design beneath the chaos asks you to take on the view that there are no accidents in life. You don’t have to believe this, like a dogma, but I invite you to try viewing your challenges and separation from this perspective. It implies that everything that is happening in your life is as it should be, and must be, while at the same time, all of it is a fluid, an ever-changing reflection of what’s happening in your inner garden. Hoping or demanding that life be different can be one of your greatest obstacles to happiness. You can throw mud at your circumstances, have tantrums, weep and yell, get divorced and remarried, quit your job and run like hell, but your inner garden will keep sprouting the same seeds until you plant new ones.

The design beneath the chaos implies that all things are as they should be simply because they are what they are. In time you will come to know why things have unfolded as they have. Change is an aspect of life. Change of seasons, change of weather, change of mind, and change of heart. We might ask our self, “Why must change be part of life?” Some of us really wish that things would just stay the same. Jonathan Jordan encourages change in one’s life on a regular basis. The Brain science tells us that basal ganglia in the brain stores old facts and creates ruts. However, working memory holds few new facts and leads to change. So when change is occurring in your life, it means that your memory is working and new neural-pathways are being created so that there is an opportunity for something new and grand to take place in your life. It is something to celebrate even while it is challenging.

By cultivating kindness even in the midst of change, divorce, job loss, and challenges you not only create opportunity you sow a garden of kindness. Kindness begins to grow all around you and those challenges become manageable.

MORE ON STOP THE WAR KOAN

2011-02-14T12:14:00.000-08:00

MORE ON “STOP THE WAR” KOAN

Inside every event is awaiting an opportunity to know your self more deeply, more authentically, and more compassionately. The event or the incident with someone or even a person in and of himself or herself who agitate or irritate you - is in some way a reflection of your inner world. (i.e. – your spouse dismisses your opinion = how do you dismiss yourself? You feel anger or rage at your mother = what might you be angry or hurt toward yourself about?

When in conflict you are provided with an incredible amount of information that you can seize upon to grow, expand and heal. Conflict is not always with a person – it can be an obstacle or challenge that is presenting itself OR it can be a conflict within that comes in the form of self-hatred – beating up on your self from the inside!

Conflicts can become doorways, passageways, and entryways to your freedom. As human beings we tend to maintain a concept of “other.” In some way you believe that you are separate from your partner, lover, child, or parent and in some way you sometimes feel afraid, threatened, resentful, sad, or defended when interacting with a particular “other” in your life. There are typically three ways in which we tend to dance with conflict; flight, fight or withdrawal or coldness.

Conflict is an element of one of the spiritual principles I teach called; “the design beneath the chaos.” It implies that there is something holy and profound taking place in any conflict you have. It is guiding you to discover your place in the world. Perhaps the conflict in your life is leading you toward something that you are being called to in terms of work or service. Perhaps the conflict is opening up possibilities for Life to use you in a new way – whatever it might be, your conflict and the person(s) or events in your life fit in some way into some new element or facet of your life.

There is one recurring theme when speaking about conflicts – the common ingredient in every one of your conflicts is YOU! Becoming and being conscious of your conditioning or your patterns of relating, interacting, thinking, believing etc., can help you both become conscious of your habitual patterns of behaving AND can empower you to become a more authentic person.

As your awareness of yourself begins to move beyond the boundaries of your personality and beyond the habits you have that have created your personality, you will begin to feel an expansion within yourself that can embody a larger way of being in your life. This is the feeling of freedom! In Judaism, the Passover story is about this. One must pass through what is called Mitzrahim, or “the narrows” in order to know true liberation. From this expanded place you will discover that your conflicts begin to transform your life.

Recently in working with some of my own issues I began to realize that I was defending against being, what I perceived as, “controlled.” So I asked myself, “What are you protecting?” “Well, I don’t want to be controlled!” So the next question I asked myself was “What happens when I don’t want to be controlled and how exactly do I defend or protect myself?” What I do is I pull back, perhaps I get agitated, angry internally, and then what I deeply experience, is a feeling of “stinginess.” A withholding of my life force –

So either way either defended or stingy I am at war! I am in conflict either with myself, the habit of defending against control or the person I perceive is controlling. All of the ways I defend puts me in prison. I am in prison inside of my own mind. It is just my thinking that is creating ALL this suffering!

So how do we transform or heal this?

The healing, believe it or not, is in the noticing –when you notice - it all falls away – poof! When you find yourself either defended or in conflict allow the Koan “Stop the War” to just arise in your mind. You may find that the Koan arises all on its own. They often work that way. Also, try turning toward whatever you are feeling and see what happens. Let me know what you discover or what questions arise by clicking on the comment below in this blog. I look forward to hearing from you.

11/02/2011 Children of Liberty - בני חורין - أبناء الحريه

2011-02-13T10:59:00.000-08:00

Liberty and freedom are places in the mind. Many people are in captivity, jail, and prison and are more free than those of us who are not. We build walls to our own personal prison every time our mind takes us away from what is in this moment. This video is a tribute to removing prison wall between people, governments and cultures. May this be an example of how love and compassion break down our prison walls

Stop the War

2011-02-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

Stop the War

A client who was in the middle of a divorce wrote to me that she was challenged emotionally by her son’s behavior. After over a month of silence, her son was beginning to talk to her, but made it painfully clear that it was not an indication of his respect for her. Because she was divorcing his dad, he was very angry with her. He let her know that he might never be able to forgive her.

She told to him that she could live with that but if that was the case, she would not be willing to assist him with his personal requests of her. Therefore he would need to turn to his dad or other possibilities.

She wanted to know what guidance I might give to her.

This is not an unusual or isolated experience for parents in the midst of divorce. Divorce can be so difficult for children, especially teens. They will say things that are not true but what they say will often provide you with information about how they are feeling. In this case, this child was clearly angry. He had an idea that his mother was to blame for the disruption in the family and his allegiance was with his dad.

The two most important elements in any divorce involving children are honesty and resisting the temptation to put the children in the middle of the dispute between the two of you.

Regardless of the reason two people are getting divorced each partner is 100% responsible for their 50% of the breakdown in the relationship. Often there is an idea that one parent is more to blame than the other especially if betrayal is involved. The hard truth is that both partners played in the game of the marriage, despite the details. It will not help your child(ren) to know the details!

If your child is talking to you even if it is with bitterness, I encourage you to let him/her know how that you imagine the divorce might be upsetting for them and that they may not understand why the two of you have reached this decision.

What is vital for them to know is that the love the two of you have generated throughout their life has created a place in their heart that they can trust. From that trust perhaps they can entertain the possibility that you might have good reasons for the decision you have made and that this decision has nothing to do with them.

Children and teens also need to know that when they say hurtful things to you and/or your spouse you don't feel compelled to support them with personal favors.

This is a beautiful teaching moment. It is a moment that you get to share with them that a relationship goes in two directions. They must be willing to give from their side too. They can be mad, sad, afraid, and frustrated. A conversation can be had about what happened (without blame), but a healthy relationship with them is not going to be possible if they are going to treat you disrespectfully and then expect you to be there to love, nurture and care for them.

It is helpful to ask your child/teen how they would like things to be between them self and you? You may not get a direct answer. You may get a typical teenage response such as, “I don’t want anything from you. Forget it!” In these cases, all you can do is keep the door open and cultivate a compassionate heart. Allowing your children/teens to be angry, hurt or afraid is essential to healing. When we resist what is, it persists! Counter to what you feel inclined toward, giving them the space to feel what they feel will open the door of communication and trust. However, they cannot be cruel or abusive to you or anyone. This is where boundaries are essential and consequences become a life-line. You are after all, still their parent, not their pal.

Sending your children to therapy can be helpful for a divorcing parent. Sometimes children just need a confidant to listen to their pain and address some of their issues. School can also be a great support and you can seek their assistance as well.

Often in these times of upheaval, parents can become self-critical and doubt the wisdom of their choice. This too is common. Trusting yourself is essential if you want your children to trust you. Allow the universe to unfold. Part of that unfolding is that in the middle of the chaos there is stillness. Take some time to rest there, even if for brief moments in your day.

I Go to Wild Places

2011-01-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

It is a beautiful and clear day out, birds are singing and the sun is bright in the sky. How often does a day like this arrive and you don’t even notice. You don’t notice because you are lost in thought about how unhappy you are with everyone and everything. No one is really there for you, you think out loud. People tell you they care about you but all the evidence you can see points to the contrary. “Really, everyone only cares about themselves and maybe, just maybe they might remember that I am really lonely and suffering.” You may even ask yourself, “why do I keep bringing into my life people who don’t really show up for me?”

Is this something you can relate to? This kind of thinking I call “ordinary mind.” It is the mind that is ruled and regulated by ego centric habitual conditioning. It is the thinking that assesses life, people, events and circumstances. It tends to be critical, judging and blaming. Most of us spend the vast majority of our lives listening to the musings of this mind set. The truth about ordinary mind is that it is constantly constructing and redesigning our house of suffering. We may come up with new ideas of how to construct the walls, what bars to put on the windows and doors and what kind of windows and window covering we might be interested in, but none the less, it is the same house – our own private and beautifully decorated prison!

What is interesting to notice is that often we don’t even want out of our prison. Often we want validation that we aren’t really in prison, and that our feelings are legitimate and should be acknowledged.

In awakened mind, you notice that your feelings are your feelings. There is a kind of wonder when sadness arises. There isn’t a whole story to believe, there is just sadness. In the next moment you might wonder what is for breakfast. Feelings arise from believing the thoughts of the mind. They are the body’s response to our thinking. To acknowledge and support the meaning of your feelings is to give power to the view of ordinary mind. To do that, keeps the foundation of your prison in place.

It is quite beautiful and tender to be with someone who believes the musings of the mind. We all know what it is like to be in that suffering. That is the heart of compassion and an open awakened mind – knowing and experiencing yourself in the other, that you are the homeless one, you are the abandoned one, you are the one who is dying. In that moment of compassion you can also feel the sun on your face, the breeze ruffling your hair and the utter beauty of the tenderness in the moment all at the same time. You know deep in your bones that all of this, all of it is just for you! It is, however, quite another thing to enter into the territory of ordinary mind and give it validation that what you believe is the meaning in this moment, this experience, these circumstances is true or real. Believing ordinary mind, giving meaning to the stories and assessment of ordinary mind is the prison. Freedom is possible in that moment, it is just a breath away.

I have begun to work with Koans. Koans are Zen stories or parables that don’t make sense to ordinary mind. They are a way out of suffering. To just let a Koan arise in times of suffering lets the light shine through your breaking heart, brings a friend when you are feeling lonely, and constructs a home when you feel homeless. Every emotion that arises takes us to wild places within. These are places that we don’t understand and do not know how to navigate. There is a magial Koan to work with at such times. It goes like this: “I go to wild place to search for my true nature. At such a time, where is my true nature.”

I had an awakening experience with this very Koan recently. My mother who suffers from Parkinson’s and Parkinson’s Dementia was feeling particularly terrible one day. I was dropping her little dog, Cookie, off to spend the day with her on my way to my office. When I walked in I did not recognize her as she looked fragile, peekid, and distant. She told me she wasn’t feeling well, but she was happy Cookie would be spending the day. She expressed her disappointment that I wasn’t staying and that I don’t visit enough. A very familiar story I get often. I kissed her goodbye and I left for work.

I returned to spend the night with her later that afternoon. When I got to her room, she was writhing in pain. Her legs were in spasm and she was in a terrible state. I walked her around the apartment until the spasms slowed down. Her nurse came in and tenderly put her back in bed and with the love and care of a bodhisattva the nurse soothed her to sleep.

I read a little and then went to sleep myself. In the middle of the night, I had a dream. I dreamt the same scene from the morning. Walking in and seeing my mother and not recognizing her. I heard a voice say to me, “You are killing her. You don’t see her enough. You aren’t there for her. She doesn’t know who she is with you. How could you do this. You are so selfish.” These words entered into my consciousness and I awoke. I was so distraught. The Koan arose in my mind and in that instant, the thoughts stopped. I realized that my mother wasn’t the one saying this to me, I was saying it to me. It was a moment of complete freedom. I realized that I was doing everything I wanted to do for my mother and that was enough. My mother’s death was her own and had nothing to do with me. It also cultivated in me a deep compassion for my mother and how afraid she is and that only thing I can really do for her is to authentically love her, which I do.

With Koan practice, there is a way in which the universe is there to hold me and I am no longer separate from it. Suddenly, I find that I am being held by the vastness and I am that vastness. My mind may still have its other conversation, but the Koan mind is what is here, present in this moment, and then I am free. Dr. Illana Berger/ www.mindfulpartnership.com

It is Only For Your Benefit Honored One Mindful Partnership ~ Mindful Divorce™

2011-01-29T14:54:00.000-08:00

The ancient spiritual teachers understood that the path out of prison was to stop building the prison walls. Everything that we do that is consistent with the ordinary way we understand things just puts more bars onto the windows and doors of our prisons of pain.

There was a way, the ancient teachers taught, that you can have a different kind of knowledge and wisdom. Rather than more information that would just console you and allow you to accumulate more and more, they taught that there was a different kind of knowing that you could cultivate. So, rather than the path or cycle of gain and loss, right and wrong, good and bad, there was another way, they understood, that you could interact with the universe. One that was more generous, kind and open. This open place and open mind, the ancient ones taught, was indigenous to each one of us. We all have it, we have all touched it and experienced it. The way to cultivate this open mind, they taught, was not to use the methods that built the prison walls to begin with, but to use and work in ways that can take you out of ordinary mind. Reimagining your story is one such method. In my practice Koans are a tool that I use.

Koans have a way of not making suffering in your life. There is a method to Koan practice. The method is that you cannot access a Koan with your usual thinking mind. Your usual thinking tends to diminish the world you live in as well as yourself. In ordinary mind you tend to compare yourself to others, or the life you could have had if you did things differently. You tend to compare states of mind to the one you should have etc. Koans give you moments of reprieve so that you experience bursts of joy. When working with a Koan, the mind that assesses things will keep on doing that. It will keep on keeping on! As you work with a Koan and you get to a place of criticism of how you are doing, it is like saying to yourself, “See I am the person I always knew I was, and I know I will never change.” Then your mind assesss that this is not for you. If you keep with a Koan despite the voices in your head the chatter of the mind, there is a way in which the universe is there to hold you and you are no longer separate from it. Suddenly, you find that are being held by the vastness and you are that vastness. The mind may still have its other conversation, but the Koan mind is what is here, present in this moment. Here is a Koan for you to experiment with and see how it works for you:

“Two teachers are walking along and a crane comes swooping down and grabs a frog and starts to tear it apart. One of the teachers turns to the other and says ;”why does it have to be like that?” The other teacher says: It is only for your benefit honored one.”

Everything in your life is there for you. Everything you experience is there for you. We all know that we cannot escape our death. We will at some point die. Everything about dying, however, is really about life. They often say, you will die just as you have lived. This is true whether you are actually ill and dying or whether you are in a struggle in your life that feels like death itself. Whether you are losing your marriage, your lover, a parent or child has died or you have lost your job and cannot find another one.

What is important is that you don’t have to believe all the thoughts that your mind serves up. And when you can stop and just be with the bird flying by or the sun shining in the sky, there is a moment of freedom from your mind and that moment is you too.

John Tarrant, my Zen teacher shares that when you are able to just meet what is in each moment no matter what is being served up, it is what becomes “the bright road” you walk. On the bright road, you don’t abandon yourself and you don’t abandon the others in your life. You are just with what is. And that “what is”; is the bright road of life. When you abandon yourself it is because you have forgotten that all of your life, every bit of it, is just for you! Only for your benefit honored one!

By Illana Berger from the teachings of John Tarrant